Lonely

As in an earlier blog post I said I enjoy being alone, I do feel lonely at times.

I am moving in with friends next semester. Living alone is expensive. I should save some money. I’ve been having roommates for such a long time.

My middle school is a boarding school. Ever since graduated from elementary school at the age of 13, I started my dormitory life. Sharing a dorm with four other girls for the first two years and seven in eighth grade. My roommates and I got along.

I came to America as an exchange student after middle school for a year. I thought I was alone in the host family. Well, no. I had a German host sister. We were really like sisters and still are, which I am glad. She was also my roommate for a year.

It wasn’t a surprise when I knew I was to go to a boarding high school again after my adventure in America in 2006. This time I share a small dorm room with nine other girls. No AC for summer or no heat for winter. My high school was at the foot of a local mountain and a river in the front. The campus was very pretty with all kinds of green plants. The temperature drops out a proper amount of heat after sunset. It’s not bad at all without AC in the summer and fall.

Finally getting out of the horrible and stressful high school, I came back here for college. I knew I would have a Korean girl sharing the host family with me but not the Indonesian host brother. Things went well at the beginning but not the end. After the Indonesian boy moved out, moved in a Chinese boy.

I was to share some memories of living with these different people here. I just can’t think of much. The memories have become unbelievably  vague. I was justing talking to a close friend from college that time just flew by while he had been gone from that little town for almost a year and he still has the vivid pictures of the two-year we spent together.

Anyway, I moved into one of the apartments in the second year of college. It only got worse. That was when I decided to live alone when I transferred to University of Illinois.

Here I am living alone for almost a year. Last semester, I was spending a lot of time in my ex’s apartment. But this semester I am back on my own feet and live a lone, cook alone, clean alone, leave home alone and finally return home alone.

Yes, sometimes it is pathetic as it sounds and seems within the words above. It’s just pathetic.

I didn’t really live with friends in the second year of college. They weren’t really my friends. They were just my roommates. We barely talked. My best friend lived next door. Thank God he was just next door. We talked all the time.

I thought I found some friends here. I really thought so. Well, guess not.

I thought I am to live with friends next semester. Maybe they are just roommates. I will see.

I get very lonely at times at home alone when I want to talk. It wasn’t like this last semester because I had someone, but not any more.

I want to talk to someone, like friends whom I can call and just say what’s up with on a regular basis. Not really.
My parents are in China. My best friends are everywhere in the States and the world- Michigan, the Netherlands, Wisconsin, California, China, Australia… They are everywhere. Different time schedule. I just can’t call them or talk to them anytime as I wish.

Facebook and emails help a lot. Or I write.

I don’t have much passion in writing any more recently. So I am surprise I haven’t deleted anything of this blog post so far from the beginning. I have tried to write a few times after last blog post on the movie but just failed. I wrote, and I removed them all. Then I quitted the window and did something else but writing. It’s been a while, both in Chinese and English. Things just seem wrong and words seems unable to accurately translate my feelings in the right way.

This situation has been a while.

I think I need to publish this now. Otherwise, I will delete everything before I knew it.

Should I say,
Though I feel lonely at times, I enjoy myself,
OR,
Though I enjoy myself, I feel lonely at time?

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